BIITCHBOIII MANIA

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ANCIENT EMAILS

I have a headcanon for myself wherein I become a famous and influential politician. I run for prime minister. My campaign is successful - until, that is - I become the subject of a Hillary Clinton style email scandal. Hundreds of my emails from 2012-2014 resurface, and the population collectively decides I am too fucking annoying to win an election.

You may be wondering.. "why are you thinking about your old emails right now? don't you have better things to be doing? Don't you have like, lectures to watch? also several assignments due in the next few days?" and to that i say: yes you're absolutely right, also FUCK U

THE YOLO EMAIL

anyway earlier today i was trying to remember when the first time i heard the phrase "yolo" was, and eventually, it dawned on me that it was in an email correspondance from grade 5 that took place between myself and an acquaintance from school. here is a censored and abridged version of the discussion.

so, looking at these messages in hindsight, there's 2 main things that stand out to me. First, the way I'm speaking. Shawty what the hell. The second, more complex thing is me saying i want to DISINTEGRATE my classmates. I realize this sounds very bad but this is an element of my personality that I think still lives within me, albeit to a lesser extent. For context, I was not a violent kid. I actually had no desire to disintegrate any of these people. The "2 I don't want to disintegrate" were 2 of my closest friends at the time, 3 were just normal boys in my class, and the final "guy whose name escapes my mind", is actually someone whose name I remembered VERY WELL because I had a BIG crush on him.

WHY THE HELL DID I DO THIS

This is a symptom of one of my most fundamental fears: intimacy and emotional vulnerability

As far as my 10 year old self was concerned, NO ONE could EVER know how I really felt about them, or about others, unless it had already gotten to a point that my feelings were obvious and there was no longer any use hiding them.

I have outgrown this... to an extent. The primal FEAR is still there, but I no longer condone any of this weird, hyperbolic misdirection shite that only a child or a really damaged adult would ever think is appropriate.

ICOSAHEDRONSPLAINING

So, this excerpt comes from a conversation between myself, and my childhood best friend. The subject line was "my new favourite shape" because i had just found out about the icosahedron and wanted to share my enthusiasm.

I don't have much to say about this one, i just think it's funny. I don't know why the icosahedron reveal would have to wait until saturday or sunday, I could have just emailed her a picture of an icosahedron.

SENT FROM MY IPOD

this next one is a bit of a doozy, and requires context for maximum entertainment value. So, recall how I mentioned I used to go to really weird lengths to prevent people from finding out my actual thoughts and feelings about various topics. Well, here is an example of me doing that:

Someone who is less well versed in BIITCHBOIII psychology might guess that me saying "i'm not upset that this boy I have a crush on might like her" is what I'm referring to when I say "i prevent people from knowing how i feel".

No.

If only it were that simple.

You just made the mistake of assuming I only operate on a micro scale. Well, you know what they say: The closer you look, the less you see.

I was SINCERELY unbothered by the situation, because the boy she believes I had a crush on was actually a red herring crush rumour I started myself to direct people away from speculating about my real crush. After running all the simulations, I had concluded that having this classmate as a "crush" would drum up the least suspicion of all possible candidates, so I just went with it.

This was an incredibly effective strategy. like, extremely effective. there is no possible way for me to overstate its efficacy.

about a year later, I was tragically tricked into revealing my REAL crush. "How was I tricked?" you may ask. That's a story for another day.

CLEO DE NILE LARPER

I used to play at recess with this one girl, we would take turns larping as Cleo de Nile. Then she moved away.

The Cleo would get to lie down in a leaf pile that the other one had to make. I might be misremembering. it is a hazy memory. I have no idea what she's up to these days, although I do wonder.

UNENTHUSIASTIC SISTER

here's a really brutal interaction I had with my older sister. I assume we must have had a fight or something beforehand? This is very out of character, we usually get along quite well.

T_T whatever

if there's anything i want you to take away from reading all of this, it's that the old little square gmail emojis were sick as hell and new emoji designers should take notes. i mean seriously, scroll back up and look at those little mfs. great design.